Kenpachi's Birthday
by PiFace314
Summary: Four little ficlets summing up what happens on Kenpachi's most recent birthday. Rated T for swearing and mild adult content. And I know that it's not his birthday yet, but I still wanted to write this. Some KenUno.


Hi everybody! Now you might be asking yourselves, why is Pi writing a Kenpachi birthday fanfic, when it isn't his birthday? Well, I was supposed to release this on November eleven, his birthday, but… I couldn't wait! So, let's pretend that it's his birthday today, m'kay? Anyways, I hope you really enjoy, although most of this is KenUno centered. It's funny stuff. Please, if you read this, review! Oh, and BTW, lot's of swearing.

* * *

Kenpachi woke up. And then he remembered, and grinned in a happy, slightly menacing way. It was his birthday, which meant that everybody had to do what he wanted. He licked his lips in anticipation. Today was going to be a good day. He was going to fight everybody, and send them to the 4th Division. And nobody could stop him. Not even Retsu.

In her office, Unohana-taicho started to sneeze.

* * *

After a fruitful day of fighting, Kenpachi walked back to the Division headquarters, ready to eat a meal so he could get back to pummeling his underlings into dust, or at least, as close to it as they could get without being killed. When he got back, Yachiru leapt over his shoulder. "Ah, Ken-chan! I have a present for you! C'mon, follow me, Ken-chan!" He sighed and ran after her, only to see Yachiru emerge with a rather large box. "Open it, open it, Ken-chan!"

He opened it only to find a rather dented samurai helm. He stared at it. "Okay, Yachiru, why did you get me a helm?" She seemed far too eager to answer his question. "Oh, Feathers and pachinko-head told me that if you're alone with a woman for a long time you need protection so that she doesn't become pregnant before you're married. Plus, you've been spending a whole lot of time together with Braidy-lady and-" He cut her off right there. Yumichika and Ikkaku were going to be begging for death when he was done with them. Mysteriously, however, they seemed to have disappeared into the safety of the 6th Division headquarters, probably under the protection of Renji.

* * *

(Kinda serious, but I still like it)

Kenpachi was returning from the shower he had taken to try and drown out the five cups of sake Kyoraku had insisted he drink for his birthday. Too tired to put on his robes, he just wrapped himself in a towel. It wasn't that far off to his room, now, and if anybody stared, well, they'd be getting an ass full of foot. He started to walk towards his room when-"Ah, shit! What the hell are you-?" He stopped and stared. It was Retsu, but… it was Retsu with her hair down and in a light sleeping robe and… shit! He was in a fucking towel! "Erm, ah… Retsu, what're you doing here?" She smiled. "Well, I know it's your birthday, so I came here to tell you that. And I wanted to discuss some things in private, but you seem a little, erm… tied up at the moment." Kenpachi grinned. "Ah, no, it's fine. We can just talk in the common room." Unohana blushed. "Perhaps, you should change, if you feel uncomfortable, wearing your towel and all." Kenpachi's grin grew even wider.

* * *

(The last of my little drabbles, in script format. Oh yes, I am this evil.)

"How long have they been in there, Yumichika?"

"2 hours."

"But that's not physically possible!"

"Shut up, Kotetsu! This is Zaraki-taicho we're talking about! He's not normal!"

"But how dare he! And with Unohana-taicho!"

"Well, from what I can hear in there, she's enjoying it too! So shut up with all that Kenpachi-taicho has taken Unohana-taicho hostage crap!"

"Don't you dare! And stop insulting me! I am a fukutaicho!"

"Yeah, of 4th division! Who cares about the 4th division!"

CRASH!

"Did that just-"

"Yup."

"Oh my god, they broke the table! That man is a monster!"

"Stop whining! Even if Zaraki-taicho had just sat on that table it would have broken anyway!"

"Stop it! Stop it! This isn't happening!"

"Well this ain't a fairy tale, princess! You better get used to it!"

"Um, guys?"

"Oh, just shut up, Ikkaku! You're the one who wanted to barge in on them!"

"To stop them!"

"Yeah right, you pervert!"

"Um, hello?"

"What the hell are you talking about? You're the pervert! You're always stalking Yumichika!"

"H-How did you know? Anyways, it's just because I wanted to ask him something!"

"Yeah, you wanted to ask him if he could fu-"

"Guys!"

"What the hell is it, Hanataro?"

"Yamamoto-soitaichou said that he was going to inspect all of the divisions today, starting with the eleventh!"

"Oh crap. Okay, everyone stall! And we were never here, remember?"

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

"Oh, we are screwed."

"You think?"

* * *

Oh man, I had such fun writing that last part! Anyways, thanks to everybody who inspired me to write these little ficlets. Please read and review!


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